Are You Really Listening?

Are you really listening?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were talking about how valuable listening is as a skill. There are times when you genuinely have no idea what to say, you have no words of wisdom so listening is the absolute best option.

Obviously in coaching it’s key to a successful coaching relationship. Sometimes coaching might be the very first time a person feels they are being listened to, so it can be a real privilege to be that person that is interested in them 100% As coaches we believe that our clients have the answers within them, it’s our job to help them draw those answers out.

How well do you listen?

How often do you feel listened to?

If you surround yourself by the right tribe of people then you might be in the lucky position that you feel heard. We all want to feel heard. What about if you’re not though? Where do you go to be listened to?

In Ruby Wax’s book, The Sane World, she talks about how listening is one of the biggest ways to help someone that’s depressed. In this instance she’s referring to finding someone going through depression that can understand you, but it’s true isn’t it, knowing that someone will listen, they have an understanding of what we are going through can be very powerful. We might not be the right person to understand, but just listening is possibly one thing that other people don’t do. Who knows how powerful that could be?

We don’t always do that though, do we? Someone shares a problem with us and our little brains go off searching for some solutions that might work for them. We often want to jump in and solve their problem, but how can we? We don’t always know the facts, we haven’t lived the lives they’ve lived, we haven’t got the same life experiences.

Being silent can be incredibly powerful

It allows our clients to have a space to think. It’s interesting when you work with clients and you allow silence, it’s amazing what comes up in the session.

When you train as a coach you often learn about different levels of listening skills. On my course with Noble Manhattan we learnt about 3 different levels.

There are three levels of listening;

• Level One – Internal Listening
• Level Two – Focused Listening
• Level Three – Global Listening

Level One – Internal Listening – is mostly focused on the individual, it’s about self, so an internal conversation most commonly used in everyday life. It’s the self-talk that goes on in your head (i.e. ‘I’ve got to pick the kids up from school’, ‘I’ve got so much work to do today how will I ever get it all done’, or what most coaches do when they start out – ‘Heeeeelp, what question should I ask my client next’! Ohhhh, was that just me with 50 post it notes all over the desk with dozens of questions on?!! This level of basic listening is all about you, not the client (even if the intention is that you’re helping the client with your best served coaching question!)

Level Two – Focused Listening – this is the most frequently used level of coaching, it’s about listening to the client, having a clear mind to totally focus on them and what they are saying to you as the coach. The mind is focused on the body language, tonality, words being used, gaps in conversation etc. It includes listening for the energy in the conversation, what is said, what isn’t said and the responses from the client.

Level Three – Global Listening – this is working at a more intuitive level. It is listening to absolutely everything that is going on around the conversation, using intuition and external stimuli as a guide. A good example of this would be a comedian who judges the audience and adjusts their behaviour accordingly to suit what is being ‘read’. If you’re new to coaching this takes time to kick in. I love using intuition in coaching.

It’s not just about listening though, for people to feel heard we need to show them that we are listening

It’s one thing to listen, but it’s another thing entirely to hear what’s being said. It might be that we need to acknowledge them as they speak (in the right places!), you need to ask questions that show you’re listening, you can show that you’re listening through your body language – engaging eye contact, not sitting away from them with your arms folded. Checking in with the person to make sure you’ve understood them is another great way for them to feel heard.

Learning to listen well is a constant work in progress

Like a newbie coach often we are searching our minds to find a story that we can share next to relate to theirs, there’s nothing wrong with that but what if as a result of that we are stuck in our heads instead of listening actively? It’s so easy for us to get stuck in our heads, but know that the best conversations, both in business and life, are when you listen and learn, instead of trying to share your own story. You already know your own story! I think we can all learn through sharing our stories, but imagine what we can learn when we listen more instead of talking!

So we’ve talked about how listening can be incredibly powerful in both business and life. We’ve spent some time exploring three levels of listening and how silence can be incredibly powerful. Tuning into your intuition can feel very weird at first and you may well get it wrong, but your intuition can really serve you. Don’t be afraid to use it with clients, finally remember check in with the other person so that they know you’re listening.

Call to Action: This week I want you to think about how much you really do listen. To your partner, children, friends, clients? Are you stuck in Internal Listening mode or are you actively listening?