5 Tips for Silencing your Inner Critic – Be Your Own Best Friend

May 6, 2014 by 1 Comment

I was thrilled to be asked to write the following article for a website for women called Platform 505, you can view the original article here.  If you find you don’t talk very nicely to yourself then read on to learn 5 tips for silencing your inner critic and being your own best friend.

These are also great strategies to use with your clients in helping them to be kinder to themselves.

Would you be friends with this person?

Do you have nice friends? I used to have a horrible one.

I used to be 4 stone heavier than I am right now. I had a friend that always put me down when I saw her. She would look at me and say things like, ‘You’ve put on weight”, “Your face looks fat”, “Those jeans really don’t suit you”, “People will be able to tell you’ve put on weight – you can’t go out looking like that”.

I wanted to tell her where to go but I wasn’t strong enough. I wanted to tell her that she was being unkind, that I would never speak to anyone else in that way but I couldn’t. Why? Because it was me – I was the one being so unkind to myself. I looked in the mirror each day and said the nastiest things to myself.

It can happen to us when we want to lose weight but it can also happen to us in so many other ways; the imposter syndrome – when we think we aren’t good enough to be in the job we are in or the business we run, afraid that we will get found out at some point. When we think we aren’t good enough mums, wives, girlfriends. Not good enough for (fill in the blank).

But here’s the thing – you ARE good enough – exactly as you are, right now.

Internal Record-3

As women we want to feel fabulous and confident but we often bring a little friend with us that can damage all that we set out to achieve. The fantastic news is that we don’t have to listen that constant internal voice that chatters away ninety to the dozen, undermining all that we do and say, making us feel that we are not good enough.

Here are 5 tips for overcoming that inner chatter.

  1. Notice the language you are using to yourself, things like ‘I can’t’, ‘I couldn’t possibly’, I’d never be able to do that’, ‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’m rubbish at..’ It becomes such a regular thing that we often don’t even notice we are saying unkind things to ourselves. Make a note of how often it crops up, what time of day, in what situations (either a mental note or on paper)
  1. When you hear yourself say, “I’m not good enough for…” start gathering evidence for when/where you are good enough. Start to build up a strengths list. It might be you’re great at cooking dinner or creating the latest cocktail write it down
  1. When you say you can’t do x, y, z play the ‘What If’ game. What if you could?
  1. Keep a note of your compliments in a journal or on a file on your computer, they are great to read through when you’re in a place of self doubt and the chatter is going mad
  1. Write out an affirmation – a positive statement in the present that helps you view things more positively, “I love my body”, “I love being this weight”, “I succeed in all that I do”, “I am good at my job”, “I’m a great Mum” etc.

Changing our inner dialogue takes time, but you can do it. Just take a step at a time and treat yourself in the way you would your best friend – with kindness.

So now that you’re kinder, more loving and more compassionate to yourself – would you be friends with this new person? Yes, so would I.

If you haven’t checked out Platform 505 yet then pop on over, it has some great articles.

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Filed Under: Articles, Confidence, Inner Critic, Mindset, Negative Language, Platform 505, Positive Language Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Your Best Self

June 28, 2013 by 1 Comment

Your ‘Best Self’ .. What does that mean?

We have days where it’s as though we’ve had a glass of some super-power juice; We’re on fire, in the flow, batting off any negatives that life throws us and seem to be able to juggle twenty things at once while sipping a cappuccino! Then there are those days when even just to raise a smile seems like far too much hard work.

When I’m working on this with my clients I sometimes ask them what’s happening when they are feeling that great, life is  fab and they are in the zone. This is the kind of thing they say..

  • ‘I’m looking after myself’, ‘I’m having some ‘me’ time’
  • ‘Eating healthily, being more active’
  • ‘Feeling more confident’
  • ‘I have self-belief’
  • ‘I’m in a job I love doing’
  • ‘I look in the mirror and like what I see’
  • ‘I am pushing myself to achieve the next great challenge’
  • ‘Im taking responsibility for my own life’
  • ‘Im saying ‘no’ to things I don’t want to do’
  • ‘I’m focusing on my strengths and not my weaknesses’
  • ‘I’m not comparing myself to others’
  • ‘Ive had some sleep’
  • ‘I’m calm, relaxed and feel balanced somehow’
What do you need to do to get you into that place? 
ACTION: Pick one thing that you know makes you feel at your best self and take one action step towards it today.

As I knew I would be writing about this topic today I’ve been questioning myself around it.. What is my ultimate best self? I saw a lady in Marlborough the other day walking up a beautifully quiet hill towards her car that encapsulated it for me.  Over her shoulder she had a loosely woven bag with a stunning floral bouquet in it and in her hand she was clutching what looked like a little gift bag, something she had treated herself to, or perhaps a gift for someone.  In those few moments of seeing her I thought she conjured up the word ‘carefree’ and it struck me that that’s when I’m at my best self; when I feel carefree.

What qualities do you see in others that you would like to see in yourself? 

I LOVE seeing people really clear about what they want to do in life.  That desire to go out there and live life to the full. Being in tune with your passions and values is key.  It’s a great way to help you understand yourself, why you think/behave the way you do, and can act as a really powerful guide. Within an hour you could get some real lightbulb moments and have more direction than you’ve ever had before. Work out yours, it will be SO worth it. Not sure how, get in touch.

One area that stops people from being their best self is that nagging voice that says, ‘You’re not good enough’.  Let me tell you right here, right now, that you absolutely are good enough.

It’s so important to get to know yourself, who you are and all that you stand for.

Be YOU.  You’re perfect as you are. Play to your strengths. Go out there and ‘Rock what ya got’!!!

 

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Filed Under: Best Self, Negative Language, Self Care, Uncategorized, Values Tagged With: , , ,

Nothing Compares To You

March 29, 2013 by 1 Comment

‘Nothing Compares To You’ – that famous song by Sinead O’Connor.  Are you singing yet?!!  Nothing does compare to you, you are unique and fabulous.  Don’t try and be someone else, be you!

Why do we spend our lives comparing ourselves to others?  What good does it do us?  Whether it’s comparing yourself to your friends/family members/work colleagues/celebrities/people in the business world doesn’t matter.  Comparison can do us some good if we use it in the right way, but it can also be incredibly destructive.

The problem when we compare is that we judge ourselves against the other person.  Often we’re not even comparing like for like.  It’s this judgement that then can set us off on a path of negative thought patterns which is unhelpful.

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Who knows what circumstances that other person has been through to get where they are.   If you look at an athlete you think, ‘Wow, they’re amazing’.   I can’t run like that.  You don’t see all of the hard work, perserverance, tears and  sacrifices they’ve made to pursue their dream.  You don’t see that it’s taken them 10 years of training, day in day out in the pouring rain, heat of summer or dead of night to get to that point, so it’s not even a valid comparison.

I regularly work with people trying to lose weight and one of the things I always say is not to compare your weight loss journey to others, this is your journey.  This applies as much to life as it does to weight loss.  Do it your way and enjoy the journey.

Here’s a 4 step process that is really useful when comparing yourself to others..

  1. Stop – ask yourself whether this comparing is helpful and constructive.  It may be that it is useful, it might be a good motivator for you, it’s not always a negative behaviour
  2. Remind yourself it’s a snapshot – you are only seeing a snapshot of this other person’s life, it is quite likely they will have their own insecurities too.  Despite what we think nobody is perfect and 9/10 people don’t have the perfect life we perceive them to have
  3. Be kind to yourself – everybody is different, comparing is natural.  Don’t use it as yet another tool to berate yourself with.
  4. Use it to inspire you into action and make changes – Often when we compare ourselves to someone else it can be a great tool to help us know what it is we desire/strive for.  i.e. it could be that person runs a successful business, it could be they have the husband/wife, the car, the lifestyle, the look.  Use this to recognise what it is you really want in life

cindyEverybody has their own set of strengths, YOU have your own set of strengths.

This week spend some time listing all of the things you have accomplished in your life, perhaps even through difficult circumstances.  Aim for one strength for each year of your life, i.e. you’re 34, list 34 strengths as a minimum.  Keep adding to the list as the weeks go on and use it to remind you how amazing you are.

Remember you don’t need to compare yourself to others, just keep striving to develop and grow.  You may even start to find that others will be aspiring to be more like you!

Liked this article?  Try out this post on Negative Language.  If you like this blog post then please feel free to share using the buttons below.  If you want to improve the way you talk to yourself or work on things that are holding you back and don’t know where to start then get some Coaching with me.

ps – If you haven’t seen my first ‘Be My Guest’ blog post with my lovely Coach, Author & Columnist make sure to check it out for some fun insights.  There’s a giveaway there for you.  There’s also a free funky goal planner available – see my ‘freebies’ page.

 

Filed Under: Coaching, Health & Wellbeing, Negative Language, Self Care Tagged With: , ,

Changing Negative Language

March 8, 2013 by 2 Comments

Happy Friday!

This week we’re being negative!  We’re looking at the power of language, one of my favourite areas.   Language can have such a big impact on how you think, feel and behave.

Negative Mind

Take a step back and just listen to the world around you, i.e.  The news around recession and politics (don’t worry I’m not going there!)  It’s no wonder we start to feel like there’s no hope.  This negativity can really start to change our mood.

Whenever you spot yourself saying something negative turn it around into a positive.  We often generalise too, so when you hear yourself do it –  challenge it;

  • The weather is ‘always’ miserable    Always??
  • I ‘never’ win anything    ‘Never??’
  • I really ‘should’ or ‘must’ do that ‘but’..  ‘Should?? Must??  Who says?’

Challenging your language is a great first step into taking control of it.  You can then start to make it more positive.  It’s not about seeing things with rose tinted glasses, but recognising that negative words can change how we think and what we actually achieve then as a result.  We know that thoughts lead to feelings that lead to behaviour.

A friend of mine shared a  short Video – ‘Lost Generation’ with me this week that I’d love you to watch.  It’s a ‘palindrome’, meaning it reads the same forwards as backwards, and the meaning is the exact opposite.    Out of interest did you notice your thoughts/feelings/behaviour when you watched it forwards/in reverse? Any difference?

What words can you think of that really lift your spirits?  I knew a Recruitment Consultant in my former HR life who, when you asked her how she was, would always respond with, ‘I’m beautiful, thank you’.  What a difference that response made!  My word is ‘fabulous’.  It’s really interesting to see the change on people’s faces too when you use it instead of the ‘I’m fine’ response.  Try it out!

If you’re being negative, or someone else is, ask yourself why.  There will be an underlying reason, a root cause.  People don’t generally just deliberately choose to be grumpy.

Remember positive language is a choice.   I choose to use more positive language on a daily basis.  Do you?

Breaking News….
  1. My Live Your Life In Colour newsletter was mailed out this week, with a little gift of a ‘Wheel of Life’; a Coaching tool to help you start work on making some positive changes.  If you’ve signed up then it should be sitting in your inbox waiting for you.
  2. I will be running an ongoing series of interviews on my blog, with the first one starting next week, on Tuesday 12th March.   We all know the value of Social Media but it can be a real challenge to know where to start/focus.  I have invited the lovely Rebekah Harriman, a Social Media expert to share some of her hints and tips on how to make Social Media work for you. She’s also sharing a giveaway of the top ten things to do once you’ve done a blog post.  Don’t miss it!

Want to work with me to unpick your limiting beliefs and help you be more positive?  Connect with me here.

If you like this blog post then please feel free to share using the buttons below.

 

Filed Under: Coaching, Life Coaching, Mindset, Negative Language, Positive Language Tagged With: , , , ,
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