Warning – this is a longer post than normal because it’s an important topic!

You will hear me time and time again say that as a Coach it’s really important to have Coaching yourself. You will always be going through a journey of self-discovery when you coach. This will be through things you read and watch, people you talk to and clients you coach. (By the way, they are often your biggest teachers, their issues shine a spotlight on your own!)

I have a Coach/Mentor that I work with on a fortnightly basis. One area I knew I personally needed to work on was forgiveness in a relationship. I was being quite stubborn about it and while I’d ‘forgiven’ this particular person I was still gathering evidence each time I met up with them to support why I shouldn’t forgive.  Holding onto this resentment was making me feel anxious inside.  It also made me feel that I wasn’t setting a very good life example to my 14 year old daughter.  I wanted to resolve it but wasn’t sure how to.  Of course I had chatted about it with those close to me but just the very act of talking it out with someone in a coaching situation was a huge relief. Acknowledging how I was feeling about it all was important, as was being kind to myself in knowing that it was ok to feel that way too.  I love this Mayo Clinic definition of forgiveness – “Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge”.  I never had the revenge element, I’m too much of a softie but I definitely had the resentment.

A big part of coaching is helping a client to ‘reframe’ what is happening in their lives.  What I learned was that a 1° shift (reframe) was all that was needed.   Often we see changes as very black and white, it’s either this or that, and we think it often means a huge step.  It doesn’t have to be a huge step that you take at all, any one small step is an achievement.  I’m sure you’ve read many times about the example of ships/planes that have changed course by 1° and how that 1° over time could make such a big difference .  My 1° shift was just acknowledging that the other person is truly doing the very best they can. Knowing that and reminding myself of that when I connect with them has freed up the need to gather that evidence, the need for blame and analysis. It’s tiring and it slowly destroys part of who you are and who you want to be.  Applying this shift has made a huge difference to how I now interact with them/others.  Forgiveness takes time, it’s not always an easy fix.

There may of course be many reasons why it’s not possible to maintain a relationship with someone, when a trauma has been too great for example.  Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stay in touch with the other person.  As Tony Robbins said, “Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself”.  By forgiving you are allowing yourself to move on.  It’s not about the other person benefitting from the forgiveness, it’s completely about you. By not forgiving you are just hurting yourself more and more.

1. Forgiveness is freeing - Holding onto a grudge/resentment hurts you. The other person may not even know that you’re resentful about things. Letting go of this resentment is truly freeing – you feel a better person for it, tough though it is at the time
2. Forgiveness is good for your health – When you feel anger and hurt inside it’s unhealthy. You hold tension in your body, it affects you physically
3. Forgiveness allows you to be present in the moment – you’re not focusing on the past
4. Forgiveness creates an inner peace and healthier relationships all round
5. Forgiveness gives you back control - when you don’t forgive the other person has control over you

How can you help your client feel freer, healthier, present in the moment, feeling an inner peace and in control?

You could ask the following questions;

• How do you define forgiveness?  (it may be that your client has a different view on this to you, it’s helpful to know what their view is)
• What would freedom mean to you?
• What is it costing you personally to hold onto this resentment? (physically, spiritually and/or psychologically) or
• How is this anger/resentment serving you?  How do you want to feel instead?
• What might a 1° shift be?  What difference would that shift make?
• How would life be different if you let go of that emotion? (anger/guilt/resentment)
• Thinking about this situation what can you learn about yourself?
• What needs to happen for you to regain control in this situation?
• Where are you giving away your power in this?

Homework: You could get the client to write a letter to the other person, expressing exactly how they feel and then getting rid of it in some way i.e. either by throwing it away, burning or shredding it.  Sometimes the act of expressing themselves in full can be really powerful, without the actual need to send the letter.

Over on Joanne Cipressi’s blog you will find some questions that clients might raise around forgiveness.

Caveat -  If you think your client has had a very difficult life trauma or is perhaps in a grieving process then please refer them to a counsellor or other therapist that can help them.  It’s very important to know where the coaching line ends in terms of forgiveness and not to cross it.

I’d love to hear a time when you’ve decided to forgive someone and also what questions you might ask a client when working with them on forgiveness.

I am really not saying this is easy at all, it’s actually quite tough,  but it’s so important for you and maybe even for your own personal growth and development. If you know you are holding resentment then consider what a 1° shift might be for you.