Welcome to day 27 of my 30 day Blogging Challenge – A series called From Zero Confidence To Feeling More Fabulous in 30 Days. If you missed Day One’s post you can read it here and can follow the series through from there. I’m going to be writing about confidence and each day sharing some tips for building your confidence slowly. The tools and hints/tips I’m sharing can be used for you or your coaching clients but for now I want you to focus on you. Building your confidence can have a great impact on your business and life. You will be amazed at what you can do when you feel more confident.
Yesterday I was asking you to fake it! Today I want to find out if you’re a people pleaser. I’m a recovering one! Are you? Here’s what a day as a people pleaser can be like. (I’ve mixed up job roles to make it more interesting).
- 9am – The sandwich van arrives – someone asks if you would get the sandwiches in, yet again. You know you should say no because you’ve done it for the last two weeks. You agree.
- 10am – Someone comes to your office and asks you to prepare some work for them for a deadline they’d forgotten about. You agree.
- 11am – You’re chatting around the water cooler and someone asks if you fancy going to watch a movie at the weekend. They tell you some of the films and you’re not that keen, but you say something like, “I don’t mind, whatever you pick is fine”. They suggest a romantic comedy. You hate romantic comedy. You agree.
- 12 noon – Time for lunch – Everyone’s chatting about where to get lunch from. You’re really craving a Starbucks but they suggest everything but. They say McDonalds. You agree.
- 1pm – You’re in a Skype group meeting with some fellow business buddies – Someone’s said you’re amazing at what you do and you should take this particular thing on as a project. You’re already drowning in work. You agree.
- 2pm – You get an email from your friend asking you if you fancy going away for a weekend with your gang of friends. He/she suggests rock climbing or crystal healing. You hate both ideas but you say you’ll go with the flow. You agree.
- 3pm – Your Aunt phones. She says she needs help with ordering something from an online catalogue. You’d planned to get back to your family early tonight. You agree.
- 4pm – Your boss comes in and says that he has yet another job for you that needs to be completed by the end of the week. He says that you would be the best employee ever if you would take it on for him as he has a dinner booked with his wife. You had planned to finish early Friday. You worry that it could cost you your job if you don’t. You agree.
- 5pm – You get a call from a friend asking you to help out at the weekend with a house move. You’d already decided you were going to spend some time on your favourite hobby. You agree.
The sad thing about being a people pleaser is that you put everybody’s needs before your own. You believe that people might like you more for going with the flow. You think that by saying no people will dislike you. The problem is that every time you agree you are giving away a piece of you and over time this can result in resentment. It might even get to the stage that all of that frustration comes out, and maybe even to the wrong person! When you start to feel more confident about the right people liking you (when I say the right people – I mean those people that like you without any hidden agenda) then you will feel more comfortable setting boundaries.
You may also agree out of guilt. You feel responsible, that you “should” help that person. I’m not in any way saying don’t help but what I am saying is that YOU matter too, as do your clients. You need healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and it can take time to ‘train’ those around you how you want to be treated. They are used to you doing everything they say, when they say and things may start to change as you redefine your boundaries.
The thing is when we people please we are actually being liars. That’s so tough to hear but it’s true. We are saying we are ok with things as they are, but in reality we’re not. Where’s the authenticity?
The first person you need to please is you. Look after you, set healthy boundaries and you will be a much better (and more authentic) person to be around.
Want to read more? Check out this blog post here on people pleasing and this one on guilt.
Today’s task
Notice where you are people pleasing. Share one boundary you are going to set this month in the comments below.
Want some added fun and support? Pop your info in the form below and you’ll get free access to my private Facebook group – Confidence Rocks for the duration of the challenge.
Ps – when you sign up you’ll get sent a link to the group page – you’ll need to request to join.
Before I go … Do you live in Newbury, Berkshire?
If you do come along to my new monthly Newbury networking/coaching group, Cappuccino Biz. I ran a pilot last week with a great group of local business owners and it was really good fun. We got into some great conversations about business. You can find all the details and testimonials here.
Fantastic post!
I never thought about this before: “…when we people please we are actually being liars.”
That is so very true. And, it does create resentment. Sometimes lots of it.
Learning to say no can be tough, but the alternatives are even tougher, in the long run.
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I know Ed. I typed it and nearly took it out, but it’s true. You’re right, sometimes the alternatives are tougher in the long run.
Your example day made me laugh.
If anyone took THAT much on, they’d be climbing the walls by the weekend!
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I know I was over exaggerating but hey I’ve been nearly that bad!
Fantastic post! I have found that trying to please people is one of the most draining things anyone can do himself or herself. And, the worst thing is there’s no end to it. The first time you ever say “no”, even if you were forced into it, nobody will remember the number of things you had said “yes”.
So, I always try to remind myself that the sooner people in my life know that “I am nice, but not THAT nice”, the happier everybody will be and so I have mastered “The Fine And Very Necessary Art Of Saying “No”.
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It is so hard saying ‘no’ for the first time but it becomes easier. The trouble is you end up slipping back into your old habits so it’s an ongoing process to keep it up.
Oh boy, I thought I had got over the people pleasing thing – this bog is a sharp reminder to reinforce my boundaries. Thank you Ruby, saying No is right back at the forefront of my mind again
Glad to have helped you bring it back into focus Lisa
I ‘ve loved all your posts! Fab info. I am a people pleaser although my husband may beg to differ lol. The challenge I find is encouraging my children to know their own mind. We expect children to comply, so it is a lesson learned from a very young age.
Eliza Beck recently posted…Rustic Easter Wedding Ideas
Ah thank you Eliza. I agree with you about our children. So much of what we work on as coaches could have been avoided had we had learnt things differently when we were younger. It’s a fine balance with kids
Guilty as charged, although I am aware of it and trying to quit! The problem is that when I put my foot down and say what I want, I’m accused of being selfish.
Rachel Swann recently posted…There are more important things than business
Awareness is the first step Rachel, so well done for recognising it. It’s interesting how people react but then really we’ve allowed ourselves to get to that place and then all of a sudden when we behave differently then, understandably, it doesn’t seem acceptable to them. It’s then a case of ‘retraining’ them as to how we want to be treated differently. It takes time and it’s not for the faint hearted. Stick with it, over time you’ll find it easier
thanks for this post Ruby-a great reminder for all us mums out there!
Thanks Nic, I totally agree!
Two things that jumped out at me… Being a people pleaser is lying and agreeing to do things out of guilt.
Two unhealthy practices that I need to correct.
Great post!
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Good luck with creating healthier practices around these
I takes time and practice but you can do it!
Great post! I started a post tonight entitled “people pleaser! too!
It”s certainly an addiction worth healing.
I find I focus on the one person in a room who looks bored when the rest are looking happy and captivated!
Food for thought!
Great minds think alike Rosemary! Come on over and share the link if you like. The more help people get on this the better life will be